Saturday, July 08, 2006

Tiny Babies in My Wine, Make Me Happy All the Time

Some words of advice for the first-time father:

1. Help out. Even if it’s heating water or massaging overtired shoulders. You’ll want to, so don’t fight it.

2. Embrace your child’s bowel movements. Better to start the suffering now. There is a distinct possibility that they will be a source of pride very soon.

3. This is your baby. Many, many people will want to hold her. If you don’t want them to, don’t let them. And don’t feel guilty about it.

4. Don’t be afraid to enforce whatever rules you what around the baby. Whatever makes you, your wife, and your child more comfortable is what matters most.

5. Baby issues are a great excuse to skip work as often as you want. (I didn’t say it was all good advice.)

6. Lots of people are going to offer you advice on exactly what to do in order for your child to survive in this world. Or at least that’s what they will sound like when they’re telling you. Listen to them as if they were the teacher in a Peanuts movie.

7. You will soon find yourself feeling the outsider in many discussions. That’s because all you will want to talk about is your child. People without children of their own will find this mildly annoying, but probably won’t say anything. People with children will consider any remark you make as a challenge to the perfection of their own offspring, and offer up comparisons to fend off the possibility that your child might get into a better college.

8. People who do stupid things around you or your family will be more likely to receive scathing ridicule rather than laughter from you. Embrace this also, as it is the first step towards becoming a crotchety old man.

9. Breast feeding vs. bottle feeding. Stay away. Unless you lactate, this debate is not for you to enter into. Whatever your wife goes with is the correct choice.

10. Whenever anyone offers to help, have them clean the house or cook you food. Lord knows, you won’t want to do either, as you have a new baby to hold and watch her sleep.

But most of all, have an absolutely wonderful time on your life's greatest adventure. Congratulation Mikey & Lisa, and welcome Maeve Katherine.