Thursday, October 05, 2006

Exposing the Nobel Scam

Those guys at the Nobel offices in Stockholm sure are a wily bunch. They awarded a Prize in Physics to two guys who had the audacity to unequivocally prove that the Universe is approximately 13.7 billion years old. Now, every newspaper in the world has been forced to print a story detailing how two American scientists, the new pariahs of our society, have incontrovertible proof that God did not create the earth 6,000 years ago. And what’s more, they are printing it in an election year. The kick in the pants to me is this: their discovery is 14 years old!

However, those public relations geniuses over at old Alfred’s house aren’t as smart as they think. I argue here that the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s noodley appendages can be seen as an influencing factor in the Nobel Prize winners’ measurements.

First, let us take a moment to discuss exactly what it is that these two gentlemen scholars measured. At the supposed beginning of time, the Big Bang. . .

And I ask you, how could anyone even know if there was a bang at the beginning? Maybe, it was more akin to the sound of a computer booting up. Or an orchestra tuning to the oboe’s A. Or maybe it was like the sound of the air being forced out of the ketchup bottle.

At the supposed beginning of time (time = 0) the universe was an infinitely small something (distance from focal point = 0). This something/nothing exploded, probably because the owner never checked the basement for gas leaks, and microwaves were created. These were the first examples of free moving light waves in the known universe.

According to the latest measurements, these microwaves were approximately 5,500 degrees Fahrenheit as they sped out across the nothingness. Very warm, but not quite as hot as Charlize Theron. Over time, just as Charlize will someday, these microwaves cooled off. Unfortunately for the microwaves, plastic surgery will not be an option for them.

Why were microwaves created during the Big Bang? Well, in my best estimation, they were created to cook popcorn for the FSM while he watched The Creation. A microwave is much more energy efficient than an air popper, not to mention less noisy. And if he was in the office during the Bangingness, I’m sure he needed an afternoon snack. Popcorn is a much healthier choice than Fritos or Ho-Hos.

These microwaves did not cool evenly. They produced minute temperature fluctuations that Messrs. Smoot & Mather not only successfully measured, but actually designed the satellite which measured them. Wow. That is simply astounding to consider. Their discovery has been called the most important in over a century.

However, despite all the hype surrounding their seemingly indisputable data, I find myself doubting. Consider this: What did these two gentlemen measure? Microwaves, and how they cool off over time.

Everyone knows that Ramen noodles are best cooked with a microwave, and that they are usually piping hot when they come out, forcing the hungry cook to wait as they COOL OVER TIME.

Microwaves. Noodles. Flying Spaghetti Monster. It’s just all too convenient. These scientists' findings should be held in question until the larger issue of the existence of an omniscient, intelligent maker can be determined.