Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Year's End Post #1

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to recap the year. Everyone is putting out their miscellaneous, end-of-the-year, chuckle-to-yourself, feel-good lists. Fuck that. This has not been a good year at all. Not personally mind you, but in general terms. I have the ability to sum up the entire year in one word: fear.

It’s almost time for Sam and I to have the “talk”. I’m looking forward to it with about as much enthusiasm as I am the next televised music awards program. Sam is becoming old enough to start thinking for himself. It’s a cruel world out there, and he has to be prepared, especially after the year we’ve had.

Sam, this is a bimbo.

Don’t marry one. They might be fun to look at, but they don’t pay out dividends in the long run. A bimbo is like a cheap set of tires. They look great when you first strap them on and cruise around the neighborhood. But after a few thousand miles, they start to fray at the edges. And in no time at all, they’ve either gone completely flat, bald, or they just plain fell apart.

Time Magazine named us all Person of the Year. I think they’re way off this time. 2006 should be the Year of the Bimbo. At no other point in recorded history have so many morally vacuous, artificially enhanced females dominated our news for no other reason than to feed our insipid fascination with people doing or saying something stupid.

Signs She Might Be A Bimbo

- She had elective plastic surgery before she turned 25.
- She went to college. Somewhere. You think.
- She owns a dog smaller than your mailbox. And she carries it in a purse.
- Spring Break? She went all seven years.
- She’s under 30 and has been married at least twice.
- Her boyfriend holds no job and makes no meaningful contribution to society, but has more money than Cleveland.
- More than 10 people have seen photos of her legs spread.
- Her usual method of leaving a bar is sliding out the door on her own vomit.
- She’s made her own video.
- What’s her IQ? Well, usually it’s a cosmopolitan, but if she’s feeling naughty, then a tequila shot.
- She has her own numeric code on the police band radios.
- Her shoes cost more than your rent.
- Her idea of giving to charity is to flash the bums outside the clubs.
- She sings beautifully - until the microphone is turned off.
- The scent of the perfume she is marketing reminds you of that crazy weekend you spent down in Tijuana.
- Being swept off her feet means that she passed out in a gutter and the street sweeper brushed off her shoes.
- She thinks an STD is what you get when you catch the football in the end zone.

They capture the public’s attention the way the moon landings did in the sixties. They offer no substantive use. They breathe air that could be better used inflating balloons. Yet every day, one or more of them finds a way to somehow say or do something asinine or offensive enough to garner them a tagline.

Troops dying in Iraq? Guess what Paris Hilton did last night!
Global Warming? I heard Lindsay Lohan is suffering from "exhaustion" again.
Genocide in Africa? Jessica Simpson lip synchs.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.