Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Let's Live Blog the State of the Union Address

“I will balance the budget without raising taxes.”
Translation: Sure, we can balance the budget, except for funding all the federal mandates, oh, and that little war we’re fighting, because that money don’t count. Plus, I dropped a mil and a half playing online poker last night.

". . . eliminate earmarks . . ." You could try sleeping in a different position, or get a softer pillow

“ . . . we must increase funds for students who struggle. . .” Here’s a solution – throw more money at them. But we won’t raise taxes!

“ . . . strengthening math and science skills . . .” Wha? Did the President of the United States just put weight on math and science? Holy crap! He must be under the control of aliens.

“. . . available and affordable health care. . .” What exactly deserves a standing ovation, anyway?

Standard tax deduction for health insurance up to $15K per year . . . Here’s news for you Dubya. The people that have no insurance can’t afford to pay for it – tax deduction or not.

States should receive federal funds for providing universal healthcare. . . Not a bad idea. But we’re not raising taxes!

Medical liability reform. . . . Hmm. Standing ovation. There’s like, maybe two doctors in the Congress. He just took potential income away from 3/4s of those crooked lawyers.

Who’s the guy next to Kerry – he needs more foundation. Very pale. Could be drunk.

“ . . .laws and borders that are secure . . .” Double the border guards! But we’re not raising taxes!

Oh my God what a nose on that guy!!!! That thing could predict the weather.

“ . . . immigration laws at the worksite . . .”? Who’s gonna mow your lawn, Dubya?

“ . . . welcomes and assimilates . . .”? Oh my god, it’s the Borg!!!! He really is under alien control!

Nancy Pelosi has something in her mouth – or she’s chewing her lip really hard. She’s got a blinking issue, too. And that suit? All wrong. She needs a stronger color than drab green.

Clean coal technology? Solar? Wind? Nuclear? No, it’s nucular. Nucular.

“. . . new methods of producing ethanol . . .”? I got a still in the back yard, George. How ‘bout that?

“. . . reduce gas usage by 20% in the next 10 years . . .” When will the presidential motorcade start using fuel cells? Not in ten years, I’ll guarantee you that.

Chuck Grassley clapped early. They put his name on the screen. Idiot.

Here we go – “. . . step up domestic oil production in environmentally friendly ways. . .” The Borg really are in control.

“. . . confront the serious issue of global climate change . . .” - standing ovation - you’ve got to be kidding me. I can’t believe George W. Bush admitted that global warming was even a phrase, let alone a real issue.

Approve my judges, you fuckers.

Here we go! He’s back to 9/11. “Debate over why we are at war is essential”? Not for the last six years.

“ . . . take the fight to the enemy . . .” Of course that got a standing ovation. What a complete stroke job.

“ . . .debt of gratitude to those public servants . . .’– standing ovation – the only one that’s deserved.

He’s quoting Al Zarqawi and bin Laden. Good God above, he is pathetic. George W. Bush disgusts me even in the best of times. The President of the United States is quoting terrorists in his last State of the Union. There’s a legacy for you.

Now the Shia extremists are threats as well – funded by Iran. So, two of the three religious groups in Iraq are now threats to our troops.

“. . . Totalitarian threat . . .” – You keep using that word. I do not think that word means what you think it means.

YES! – He said it. We are still in danger. We are still not safe. Oooohhhh, another standing ovation - people’s legs must have been falling asleep.

“. . . Remove conditions that inspire blind hatred. . .” Ok, how about starting with bringing out troops home?

John Warner is falling asleep.

Condi – man, she’s not very good looking. She’s leaning forward and squinting. It looks as though she can’t hear very well, or she’s going to the bathroom in her seat.

McCain is asleep. That is so awesome. Head is down, eyes are closed. Torpedo my campaign will ya, Bush? Well, fuck you, too!

Cheney’s looking through the crowd thinking, “I’d shoot you. I’d shoot you. I’d shoot you. . .”

The dude next to Gates has a cool orange tie.

“. . . friends abandoned. . . “? Who in that god forsaken country is our friend? No one.

“. . . reinforcements they need to complete their mission . . .”? Says you, Dubya, says you.

“ . . . must stop sectarian violence in their capital . . .” What about the other cities? Do we just not care what happens to the other cities? There are other cities in Iraq, people!

Lieberman should have closed his eyes when they were applying his makeup. He looks like he’s wearing a sleeping mask.

Joe Biden is playing his PSP.

Someone should cough “bullshit!”

State of the Union Random Thought: Why is one half of this speech about a country on the other side of the globe? Where’s the shout out for New Orleans? Their team just lost the NFC championship.

“. . . special advisory council on the war on terror. . .” Don’t we have an entire new governmental department and cabinet post for that already?

Increase in active army – sure, from where?

“. . . volunteer civilian reserve corps . . .”? Wasn’t that the premise in Starship Troopers? Let’s do battle with the Bug Planet! Who’s with me? AAAHHHhhhhhhh . . .

“. . .a mandate from the United Nations . . .” Who’s left? Us and Britain. Oh, and don’t forget Poland! I wonder if their eight troops went home yet.

“ . . . Palestinian state alongside Israel . . .” That’s the first time he’s mentioned it in four years. Does he even know where they are?

“. . . intensive diplomacy in the Korean peninsula . . .” Is “we’re not going to talk to you” intensive diplomacy?

Cuba, Belarus, Burma, Darfur – all places Bush couldn’t find on a map.

“. . . fight AIDS in Africa . . .” Standing ovation. I wonder if he knows that AIDS is an acronym

$1.2 billion to combat malaria in Africa. Don’t they treat malaria with quinine? That’s a lot of gin and tonics.

Dikembe Motumbo is sitting next to Laura Bush. Wow, now they’re standing. She could totally fellate him without getting on her knees.

The creator of Baby Einstein had her teeth whitened.

The NYC subway hero! Wow, I thought his 15 minutes ended with Letterman.

There’s the dude with the orange tie again!

State of the Union Random Thought: Where’s Dubya’s mother and father?

Speech is over.

Look at them run out of the room. That was 49 minutes of absolute oral fecal matter.

The president told his advisors he would be sober tonight. Ha, wait till after. There’s a fifth of Jack,a bottle of rock, and a Thai hooker in the presidential limo.

The Democratic response mentioned New Orleans in the first 30 seconds.

Ok, to sum up:

George W. Bush quotes terrorist enemies of the state in his final State of the Union address. Democrats respond by quoting Teddy Roosevelt, and Dwight D. Eisenhower. Who’s the bitch now, Georgie?