Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Top 10 for 2007

Here's the first of what I hope to be a bunch of Top 10 Posts.

Top 10 Things I Wouldn't Mind Seeing Disappear in 2007

1. War/Terrorism – Ok, this is a really heavy way to start out the list, but it is starting to hurt to read about the atrocities going on in the world on a daily basis. We need to recapture a little of the 60’s and spread it around methinks.

2. Scientology – The only reason we hear so much about these freaks in the first place is because they’ve recruited a bunch of loud mouth celebrities. Fine. Let’s pack them all into a shipping container and drop it in the ocean. So much for the “pay as you go” religion that adheres to the tenets of cleansing all people from the remnants of ancient alien invasions.

3. Ipods – Overpriced? Check. Difficult to use? Check. Overhyped? Check. Three strikes. While revolutionary when they first came out, like all Apple-based innovations, the PC version has caught and surpassed them.

4. Proprietary song formats – These are just silly nowadays. Why bother, when you know that everyone will just convert them to .mp3’s anyway. Such a frivolous waste.

5. The NBA – Why a bunch of gangtas, thugs, and dropouts continues to capture a significant portion of the professional sports market share continues to elude me. The league went so far as to institute a dress code to try to improve the behavior of the criminals on their courts. My suggestion? Put them on ice skates and expand the NHL. The fights would be outstanding.

6. Celebutantes – Whoever invented this word should be dragged naked though streets paved with broken glass. To legitimize these women with a classification is insulting to the very letters which spell the word. All of those mentally vacant tarts, including the ones that purport to have talent, should be placed on a remote island with no contact to the outside world. After six months, whoever is still alive would be permitted to rejoin society. Nah, screw it. Just leave them there.

7. The Boston Red Sox – Gee, let’s spend $52 million to talk to a potential pitcher. Wow, he’s sounds cool. Let’s give him another $50 million to come play for us, even though we have no idea if he will be any good, even though his mythical “gyro” ball pitch is just that – mythical, even though no Japanese pitcher has ever turned into a superstar in the MLB. It doesn’t matter. We’re the Boston Red Sox. We love to inflict endless misery on our fans.

8. Bling – Ostentatious jewelry is not a sign of success. It is a sign of bad taste. Just buy a Bedazzler.

9. Creationism/Intelligent Design – I’ve spouted off against these dopes before. Just because they are quiet of late does not mean that they have gone away.

10. George W. Bush – Unfortunately, it will be another year and a half before his disappearance will happen. He’s like a plague on our country. He could be Karmic payback for all past presidential sins that were never confessed. He has no domestic agenda. He has all but abandoned an entire city within our borders. He is an environmental nightmare. His foreign policies have made us the red-headed stepchild of the civilized world. Daddy must be so proud.

11. Instant replay – I’ll admit that at first, I thought this was a good idea. But in retrospect, it really does take away from the game. Professional sports are played by human beings, coached by human beings, and officiated by human beings. Instant replay, to a large degree, removes the human element from the latter. They should all be allowed to make mistakes. It just adds to mystique of the game.

12. Insurance deductibles – I’ve never understood these things. You purchase insurance so you don’t have to pay for damage/expenses. Yet for every claim, there is a minimum you are responsible to pay. It makes absolutely no sense to me.

13. Reality TV – I don’t watch it. I don’t ever want to. The premises for each new show are increasingly asinine. Let’s bring back writing and creativity to television shows. There should be one final reality TV show. All the contestants from every past show should get together and fight to the death, hunting each other down on camera.

14. Email spam – Although my filters are apparently working rather well these days, I still see the occasional email get through. Why can’t someone invent a spam killer where for every email the spammer sends out your email service sends 10 emails back to them, thus effectively overloading the spammers inbox and shutting down his email almost instantly.

More than 10. Whoops. Did I miss anything?