I think I scared my wife rather badly the other night. I went out on a mission to buy Sam all the equipment he needed for Little League. I ventured into the sporting goods store, like all fathers on this rite of passage, with wide eyes and a smile on my face. Except that when I went to pay for it all, my check was declined. I was handed a small paper card that explained that while my accounts were in good standing, I was still determined to be an unnecessary risk to some mathematical model created by someone who I will someday meet and pummel into a bloody pulp. My license is still New York. My check address is Connecticut. I walked away on hold with the nameless, faceless corporation for a better explanation. I never got one. After being on hold for 45 minutes, I gave up.
I was a tad upset.
After completely blowing my top describing what transpired to Leah in a profanity laced tirade, I wanted revenge. Revenge on the faceless corporation (Certegy Check Services, Tampa, Florida – I hate you more than Paris Hilton). Revenge on my bank, whom I realized last night has not sent me cards yet three weeks after opening accounts with them.
So, after having to repair our internet connection (AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH), I sat down with flames in my eyes. Certegy has no easy way of reaching anyone. I could not figure out how to exact revenge upon them. But my bank? They received 500 emails last night asking where my bank cards were.
Here’s a part of the conversation I had with their Customer Service Line the next morning at 8:00am.
Me: I’d like to know where my bank cards are.
Them: Well sir, they were ordered on the 12th. Have you not received them?
Me: No. That’s why I’m calling. It should not take over three weeks to get bank cards.
Them: I sorry sir, I don’t have any more information. If you’d like to re-order your cards, it shouldn’t take more than a week to get them. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: YES, YOU CAN TELL ME WHERE MY DAMN BANK CARDS ARE. I DIDN’T CALL YOU TO ASK WHEN THEY WERE ORDERED. I CALLED TO FIND OUT WHY I DON’T HAVE THEM YET. CAN YOU FIND THAT OUT? BECAUSE IF YOU CAN’T, THEN I’M COMING IN TOMORROW AND CLOSING ALL MY ACCOUNTS WITH YOUR BANK. YOU’RE THE CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY “I DON’T HAVE ANY MORE INFORMATION.” I WANT YOU TO SAY, “I’LL FIND OUT, SIR, PLEASE HOLD ON.”
Them: I’ll find out, sir. Please hold on.
I then proceeded to “speak” with two more managers who finally got around to telling me that there was a local branch where you could walk out with an active card. Simply amazing.