Thursday, December 11, 2008

Annual Stoddard Christmas Puzzle

After some thought, and a little pushing by friends, I decided today to issue this year's Christmas Puzzle. I wasn't planning on it. There is just too much craziness in my life right now for me to have to worry about one more thing. But this afternoon I said fuck it, did some quick work, and sent it out. If you didn't get a copy, my bad. Here it is:

Rules: I make all the rules up as I go. Just finish the puzzle and return it to me for judging.


The theme this year is Christmas in the Movies. Just name the movie associated with the quote, hint, or question. The answer is not necessarily going to be a movie with a Christmas Theme – maybe it just occurs around Christmastime . . .

1. “Yippee ki yay, Motherfucker”

2. Irving Berlin wrote 12 songs for this movie. That’s a little overkill, don’t you think?

3. Name as many Christmas movies with Tim Allen in them as you can before you feel sick.

4. Robert Zemekis had to cut the budget from the unbelievably high costs of the special effects, so one guy played five characters.

5. Barbara Stanwyck made two Christmas movies in the 1940s. One was A Christmas in Connecticut. What was the other?

6. Dumbo had long ears. So did the donkey that Mary rode on to Bethlehem. What was his name?

7. Eleven years before she screamed in the shower, Janet Leigh starred in this under-appreciated Christmas gem.

8. Tired of being “the shadow behind the great man”, Santa’s little lady goes on a bender, steals the reindeer and sleigh, and ends up in NYC.

9. “Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.”

10. What does the DA’s son ask for on the stand in A Miracle on 34th Street?

11. Ignatius Thistlewhite has Christmas spirit!

12. Identify three Misfit Toys.

13. Tagline: A Tribute to the Original, Traditional, One-Hundred-Percent, Red-Blooded, Two-Fisted, All-American Christmas...

14. Mary Lou Retton and the Solid Gold Dancers in a production of A Christmas Carol?

15. Robbers murder his family. He’s sold into slavery to a bunch of kings. His lamb is injured. But he can still come up with a song for Baby Jesus.

16. “New York is a wonderful town. Everybody dreams about going there. But we're luckier than lots of families because we're really going. Wait until you see the fine home we're going to have and the loads and loads of friends we'll make. Wonderful friends. But the main thing Tootie is that we're all going to be together just like we've always been. That's what really counts. We could be happy anywhere as long as we're together.”

17. Filmed in the first person cinematographic view, this slasher film never showed the face of the killer.

18. A lonely, obnoxious young millionaire pays a family to spend Christmas with him.

19. “Presents? Is that what you said? Presents? We'll open them when we get there. No, in fact, I'll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant fucking canon. And you're gonna crawl in it. Then I'm gonna get 2 pounds of gunpowder and I'm gonna shoot you right out of Jersey! And then I'm gonna drive to Jersey, and pick up all the parts of your body and put them in a plastic bag. Then I'm gonna drive to my house with you in the bag and toss you into the fireplace. I'm gonna get my glass of whiskey and watch the Charlie Brown special with your ashes burning IN MY FUCKING HOUSE! AGH!”

20. In addition to the Christmas edition, this character has also been to jail, Africa, school, the Army, but never went to sea as a Pirate because he died before the film was complete.

21. If they had filmed the wedding, her name would have been Mary Contrary Piper.

22. Tagline: Two Dads, One Toy, No Prisoners.

23. If Buzz had taken his money to Paris like any normal kid would have, we would never have had to deal with the three awful sequels this movie produced. Kevin would never have made it to the next one without a toothbrush.

24. What gifts does Father Christmas give to the children in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe?

25. Name all the gifts that Harry Potter received for Christmas through the entire 7 book series. (I know - not all of them are movies yet. Complain about it. I dare you.)