Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Stay Away from that Kid

At a birthday party at the Park Lane the other day, someone asked Leah where Sam was going to school this fall. She got in Leah’s face, and Leah basically blew her off because, well, she hates that.

Ok. First, a kid’s one-year-old birthday party at the Park Lane, a high end hoity-toity restaurant? Can you say over the top? At least there was an open bar for the parents. I would have had an IV drip of Sapphire & Tonics.

Second, for this woman it wouldn’t have mattered if Leah told her that Sam was skipping Pre-K and going straight to high school because he was a cyborg. All she wanted to do was talk about her child and why she chose to send him to the Bilingual Program and why anyone who doesn’t do that is dumb.

Hearing this story, I decided something.

For Leah’s 10th year high school reunion, one of her friend’s boyfriend and I decided that we were going to have some fun. We thought up occupations for ourselves that were guaranteed to stop conversation. His was a carnival laborer. I was the heir to the Pez fortune. Needless to say, people kind of avoided us all night, which was fine.

Whenever some idiot (oh, I can see them from a mile away) asks me about my children, I am going to try to make them leave me alone as quickly as possible.

“Billy is going to the best private kindergarten in the state. So where does your son go to school?”

“We find the entire education system to be morally vacant and systematically fraudulent, so we’ve decided that he will not have any type of formal education other than what he can learn on his own. A self-taught man is worth more, don’t you think?”

“Tommy is multiplying numbers and he’s not even six yet. Can your son do that?”

“Absolutely not. We’re not wasting our time on that stuff. I’m teaching him to build incendiary devices. It will be much more valuable than any number skills will be when the government falls.”

“Jimmy’s teacher says that he could very well be the smartest child he’s ever taught. How is your son doing?”

“His teacher told us he needed a serious adjustment in attitude. But I don’t think he’s right, and after the fight we got into, I’m even less inclined to believe him. The guy punches like a little girl.”

“Johnny was just accepted into the gifted program at his school. Are any of your sons in it?”

“No, but it’s not for lack of trying. I mean, I greased the palms of everyone from the Assistant Superintendent down to the teacher’s aide. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing. And to top it off, I’m getting indicted for bribing public officials.”

I’m gonna be great fun at PTA meetings.