Friday, August 25, 2006

Problems and Solutions

I have a degree in Engineering from one of the best colleges in the nation. I am proud of this fact. I am also proud of the fact that I have never had to worry about being employed. Until now.

My employer of the last two years, the one that has allowed me to stay home every day, work from my attic, and see my wonderful wife and children more than I ever could have hoped, has not told me that I will have a contract after my current one finishes next month.

I suppose that I am overreacting. I already have an interview next Tuesday, and I’m quite sure that I will have several more in the next couple weeks. But I’m dismayed by the fact that I have to actually look again. I was happy there.

In actuality, I may still be employed by them, should they land the contract they are currently negotiating. I’m just covering my bases. It’s my job to worry. I’m the breadwinner. I’m the one who is supposed to be taking care of my family. Any time that status is put in jeopardy, there is added stress in my life.

But I’ve figured out a way to counteract it. I have concocted a fabulous contingency plan.

I’m selling my kids.

For Sale: 1 male Child
Age: 4 years, 3 months
Weight: +/- 40 lbs.
Height: +/- 40 in.
IQ: scarily high

Skills: can sing any number of Irish drinking songs, can build Lincoln Log houses in under 4 minutes, can go down slides on his stomach, can count by 2’s and 3’s and do basic can addition problems, has an ASL vocabulary of 20 words, adept at staying awake past bedtime and negotiating after dinner movie watching privileges

Enjoys: Thomas the Tank Engine, Franklin the Turtle, tooting, building train tracks, Shel Silverstein poems, throwing things from our porch, bugs, riding his bike, driving toy trucks at breakneck speed down the hallway, hiding under his sheets at naptime to secretly play with his Leap Pad Learning System, going on adventures with Grandma (cannot guarantee adventures upon sale)

Dislikes: spaghetti sauce, spicy foods, little brothers who smash apart his train tracks, dead batteries, bedtime, being sent to his room

Asking price: $100,000

For Sale: 2 male children
Ages: 2 years, 3 months
Weight: +/- 30 lbs.
Height: +/- 30 inches
IQ: as yet unknown, but promising

Skills: can sing all verses of The Unicorn & Home on the Range, can remove his own diaper (or diapers, as the case may be), can put his own diaper back on (in some cases), can speak in basic sentences, can walk down the stairs by himself, can lock the front door

Enjoy: Thomas the Tank Engine, throwing toys behind the couch, climbing behind the couch, popsicles, jigsaw puzzles, swinging, getting out of bed and tearing their sheets off, jumping off the couch cushions, dumping water out of the bath tub

Dislike: standing in the corner, not getting to go with Daddy, bedtime, naptime, running out of waffles at breakfast, turning the TV off

Asking Price: $75,000 each, $130,000 for both

Package Deal: All three - $200,000

P.S. Based on my memory of the past couple years, I'm actually attaching a disclaimer on this post: For anyone who lacks the common sense to realize that this is completely satirical, I’ll throw in the dog and the cat to sweeten the pot.